Messy

In the online business world, a lot of the celebrity coaches will encourage you to show up “messy.” Just put something out there, even if it’s not perfect. It feels like this whole blog is me being messy. I started the Advent deconstruction series back in December and quit half way through. To be honest, writing then was and has been really really really really really hard. It still is. It feels like I am empty inside. Like I have nothing to draw from. The lifeblood of emotion and writing that used to flow through me like water now feels like a dusty dried up old riverbed. It’s really really hard. And it makes me really really sad. I’m hoping it won’t be like this forever because it feels like yet another part of me has died.

For Christmas, I asked for guitar lessons. I have wanted to learn guitar for years. I actually bought a guitar in May 2006. I started practicing and learning from books. I had just barely started getting callouses on my fingertips when I met my now-husband. We went on our first date and I was too busy that summer to pick up my guitar again. Ha! Then four years later, we drilled holes in the cabin of our boat and hung the guitar on the wall so I could learn to play while we were sailing. I never once took it down. We sailed that guitar from San Francisco to Brisbane, Australia and it sold with the boat.

But now? I am craving the lessons. I look forward to my nightly practice and weekly zoom call with my instructor. In a weird way, it has replaced my writing. When I feel like I have nothing to say, nothing to write, my restless fingers have something to do and beautiful, clear, musical notes surround me.

It feels like I am learning a different language. I have had no musical training whatsoever (unless Middle School choir counts?). I’ve never played an instrument or learned to read music. Finding the note, strumming, keeping time, and singing all are overwhelming to me. At our first lesson, my music teacher asked me if I could sing. Um…… not well! Then she asked what kind of music I wanted to play? Um…… I don’t know! She looked at me with a funny expression and it dawned on me – she’s trying to understand why I’m here! Why I want to play! Now, we are 2 months in and I still haven’t given her a list of songs to learn because, truthfully, I hardly listen to music! And I have no idea what I want to play. I listened to mainstream christian radio for the last 10 years and I guess the old me thought that’s what I’d want do if I ever got around to taking lessons? But I rarely listen to music at all now, christian or not, and I don’t know any songs well enough to sing them (ok, so actually, I’m becoming pretty good at Yankee Doodle, Twinkle twinkle little star, and Jingle Bells!)

And, yes, it feels kind of dumb to be taking lessons with no end goal, when I’m not even interested in music! But, at the same time, learning the guitar feels like a gift right now, a treasure; an island in this sea of spiritual emptiness. It feels like JOY instead of obligation. PLAY instead of force. It feels light and fun and easy. And in the midst of a year-long pandemic, I think we can all use more of that.

Where are you finding joy these days? Where are you finding ease and lightness right now?

If you’re reading this, thanks for hanging in there with me through being messy and imperfect and real. Thanks for walking through 2020 with me. We truly are all in this together.