How to make decisions when you no longer (or don’t know how to) pray

When I was a “Christian,” it felt like my decisions always belonged to God. After all, my life was not my own, I was bought with a price. When I had to decide about a course of action, I would pray. “God, please tell me what to do. Indicate which way I should go.” I wasn’t so charismatic that I asked for a “sign” but I certainly came pretty close. I tried hard to listen for that still small voice, and I searched scripture to see if it had anything to say about what I should do. I wanted God’s Will for my life, but it was kind of hard to know exactly what that looked like. Because I am married to an atheist, my husband was no help. I couldn’t look to him for that godly, prayerful leadership like so many other women I knew were able to do with their spouses. That was super frustrating sometimes because I really needed someone to tell me what to do, and if God was going to be silent, it would have been nice for my husband to step it up.

I spent so many hours praying and fretting and trying to not fret and trying to trust and reading my Bible and singing and searching the skies and the sidewalks for something, someone, some confirmation that would clarify and affirm a choice that was before me.

It was exhausting.

Do you know what I’m talking about? Have you been there?

My husband, atheist he is, never seems to spin himself into a frenzy over anything. Part of it is personality, I think, but it’s also because he doesn’t have any of this hefty baggage of believing that his choices are not his own. And there is no fear of eternal consequences if he makes the “wrong” choice. I realize now how convoluted my thinking was about decision making. I knew that “in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose,” (Rom. 8:28), and that, as a follower of Jesus, nothing could snatch me out of God’s hand… but I had also been taught about the importance of being in God’s Will and that there were things I could do that would take me out of God’s Will and if I did that, well then, I would suffer the consequences. So, naturally, every single decision would get caught up in this back and forth, push and pull confusing tug-of-war of whether what I wanted was truly God’s Will or if it was just the desires of my sinful self.

Ugh! Oh, how I wanted to be holy!

Now, not gonna lie, I still occasionally find myself becoming a tornado of indecision. Deconstructing my faith was one thing, but then there is the hard work of getting comfortable owning my power and sense of self…… and taking responsibility for making my own decisions. It is freeing to feel in charge of your own life, until you realize there’s no longer anyone else (*ahem* God) to blame if things don’t go the way you want them to.

Learning to make decisions without praying about them and letting {my version of the evangelical, biblical} “God” direct me felt really intimidating. Thankfully, early on in my deconstruction, my friend Robert Pelfrey referred me to the process of Ignatian Discernment. The concept of Ignatian Discernment is based on the beliefs and teachings of St. Ignatius of Loyola, a catholic saint of the 15th century. “God’s Voice Within” by Mark Thibodeaux is an excellent starting point to learn about this, especially if you are in the beginning stages of deconstruction and God and Jesus are an on-going part of your experience, just without the evangelical dogma attached. (Or, also if you just want to gain some new insights into decision-making.) I went into detail about Ignatian Discernment more in this post.

The most important insights I gleaned from the principles of Ignatian Discernment are 1) all decisions have an energy (Ignatius called it a “spirit”) and 2) before making a decision, you must identify the energies and find the neutral space between them. THAT is where you want to make your decision from – the stillness and silence between the energies. THAT place is actually where that still small voice of God Within You has the freedom to make itself heard.

Similar to the 3 questions I ask myself almost daily, here are some questions to ask yourself when you are faced with a decision and you no longer use “prayer” to help you out:

• Is this really a choice I have to make or am I just creating drama?

Sometimes we tell ourselves we have to decide about something when, really, we don’t. We have created a story in our minds about a circumstance or situation and we begin to believe we have to make a choice, we have to do something. Take a step back and ask yourself if you actually have to decide or do anything. What is the truth? Are you just creating drama? If you are, why are you doing that? Are you avoiding something? Is it because drama feels more familiar than peace or more exciting and interesting than *gasp* boredom? Have you told yourself that an action is needed when it really isn’t? Is it the end of the world if your life continues just the way it is? Is there an outside influence demanding an action? What is the truth of the matter? This discerning of whether there is REALLY a decision or action to be made is the first step in identifying the energies surrounding it.

• What is the energy behind this decision?

To some, “energy” might feel a little woo, but all we’re asking is what are the thoughts, the feelings, the emotions, the motivations involved in you feeling like you need to act. This might require you sitting in silence with yourself for a while and doing some deep self-inquiry. What is going on inside of you? You can begin to get there by asking, “What happens if you don’t act? what happens if you do act? How do those possibilities or consequences make you feel?” What if nothing about your life changes? How would that make you feel? Make note of all those feelings that come up: fear, anxiety, sadness, excitement, anticipation, happiness, disappointment, hope, distress, guilt, shame, success, victory, revenge… After jotting down a few notes about your feelings, I suggest printing this list out and then seeing if you can further identify exactly what the emotion is. All of these emotions and thoughts act like a fog swirling around you. No wonder you can’t see clearly! These energies, even the happy-feeling ones, create a cloud around you, so whatever decision you make is filtered through them. When life doesn’t go the way we want it to, we don’t realize it’s because our choice was made while looking through these rose-colored glasses. We thought we were seeing clearly, when it’s clear we were only seeing through the fogged lens of our own thoughts.

Identifying the energies isn’t always easy and it’s not glamorous. Such self-inquiry is uncomfortable and boring. We often realize we’re fooling ourselves, living in a fantasy land, using our imagination to escape our otherwise lame and disappointing lives. Or maybe we think we need to act in order to earn approval or acceptance. BUT, identifying the energies helps us see what is really going on inside of ourselves. We cannot truly change anything until we fully understand and accept what inside of us wants to change.

• Does this energy feel familiar?

This is a helpful question because it helps reveal whether the feeling we are seeking to satisfy, the outcome we are trying to create, is deeply-embedded in our psyche. Recently, I created drama around a decision and when I asked myself this question and identified the energy behind it, I was able to trace it back to a similar situation I experienced over 20 years ago! I could remember 2 distinct times in my past when I felt this exact same way. That is some deep shit. Once I acknowledge that, I can do further investigation and keep asking questions about why and how this specific feeling/energy continues to show up in my life.

• What/Who is it that is experiencing this energy?

Ok. so this one does get a little into the woo, but it’s one of the most radical questions you can ask yourself!! It gets straight to the heart of WHO THE HECK ARE YOU ANYWAY?!?!

Have you ever been in the shower and so consumed by your thoughts that you get out of the shower and realize you can’t remember washing your hair or washing your face? Or driving somewhere and being on autopilot so you’re not actively making choices about where to turn? Your body does SO MUCH without “you” being aware of it. So “you” are not really your body. If your body can act on its own, without “your” conscious input (breathing, digesting, pumping blood, etc), then whatever “you” are is not your body.

Similarly with our minds. Have you ever experienced your mind racing racing racing with thoughts about a relationship or a conversation, and then suddenly you remember that you have an appointment in 5 minutes or that you need milk from the store? What is it that broke into your thoughts and reminded you about that? It wasn’t your mind because your mind was running wild with other random thoughts. That something is a deeper awareness, that is more closely “who” “you” really are. Usually, when we say “I” do/think this, we are indicating either the body or the mind. So if “you” are hungry, really what you’re saying is something like “this physical body is experiencing a sensation that is satisfied when it receives food.” If “you” are bored, what you’re saying is something like “this mind is experiencing a sensation that is satisfied by receiving increased external input.” There’s other ways to interpret it, but I hope you get what I mean.

We say “I” but really it is the mind or the body that is speaking. And, at our deepest, most truest self, we are not our minds or our bodies. Some say this true “I” is our consciousness, some form of awareness, whatever. The important thing is to recognize that THAT is what you truly are – not the mind or body.

So, what/who is it that is experiencing the energy behind these alleged decisions you’re considering? Is it the mind? the body? If you are brave enough and willing enough to investigate deeply into this space, you can begin to sense the space in between, the space behind, the void that is beneath and around these mind/body experiences. THIS is your awareness. This is the space you want your decisions to come from.

If you can detach from the energy of the mind and the body, there is a stillness. A stillness that is not the fear and the angst and the hope and the relief. It’s sort of like the weightless space on a roller coaster between the drop and rise of the ride, where your stomach “drops.” It’s a strange empty sort of feeling, but there is, at the same time, a sense of fullness.

Once you have recognized this space – that is set apart from the crazy ups/downs and backs/forths of your mind/body – you are able to see the reality of your options, the truth behind the choices and decisions you make. St. Ignatius described this as coming to a place of neutrality; where you can see all sides of the decision with equal openness, not feeling strongly drawn towards one option or the other. It’s the space where the emotion and drama has been taken out of the decision and you can see the truth that it really doesn’t matter WTF you choose. It’s a space of deep freedom.

Let me know when you get there 🙂