Advent for those deconstructing their faith - Day 4

God, I want to go back. I want to go back to the way my faith used to be, to when it was easy to believe and everything seemed to make sense. I want to go back to when I fit in with my friends and my family and felt so connected and united in praise and purpose. There was a safety and security in inclusion, in being on the “inside.” There was a feeling of belonging that warmed my soul and made me feel so loved. Even when everything else was falling apart, I could go to my church home and my church family and experience comfort. I could read the books and sing the songs and pray and know that You were listening and loving me. I could write about You and study Your Word and feel so inspired and connected to YOU.

But strangely, all those things are the things I miss most… I don’t miss YOU because, in a way, I still feel like I have You. Mostly what I miss is all the trappings of my faith – the certainty, the clarity, the confidence, the belonging. I equated all of those things with You. And, now, people tell me that if I no longer have those things – the certainty, the clarity, the confidence, the belonging – then I really can’t have You.

But the deep freedom and peace I’m experiencing suggests that that’s not true.

So, is that what this is all about? Me letting go of “You” (or what I thought was You) so I could actually become closer to the You that is in me?

Is it possible that unknowing You is the way to really know You?

Is that why the more I let go of everything I thought I knew, the more I can see You everywhere?

Words to contemplate:

Can you do this?
The soul that wants nothing but God
must forsake everything,
even God.
As long as we have and know who
God is, we don’t.
We are far away.
So, can you let your notions die?
This is the smallest death a soul can undergo before
it becomes divine.
Meister Eckhart, “Book of the Heart: Meditations for the Restless Soul” (as collected and translated by Jon M. Sweeney & Mark S. Burrows)