Savior or Superman?

I spent 30 years waiting for someone to save me.

I wanted someone to save me

From pain

From shame

From disease

From anger

From my tempermental dad

From my fragile self-esteem

From singleness

From my marriage

From loneliness

From fear

From anxiety

From getting hit by a car

From falling overboard

From disappointment

From rejection

From debt

From failure

From judgment

From others

From myself

And the truth is – God will not save us. Jesus will not save us. At least not in the way we want them to.

I didn’t think that I practiced “magical thinking” until my kids started talking about what I had taught them about God. God was starting to sound a lot like Santa… “I’ll just pray to God about it and He’ll give me what I want.” “Look at what I got for my birthday! I asked God for it and He sent it to me.” “I know exactly what I need, so I’m just going to pray about it.” At first, I was caught off-guard. Where did they learn this stuff?!?!

Ummmm

I don’t believe in the prosperity gospel, but I would tell the kids, “Dad is giving a speech, let’s ask God to help him do a good job.” Or, “if you’re feeling scared, you can just talk to God and God will help you.” Somehow, they had internalized the message that God was sort of like a genie. Be nice to Him and He’ll grant you whatever you wish. Their simple understanding felt like a slap in the face. Was that how I treated God?

Recently, in my lawyer-life, I launched a website providing information to people about wills and divorce. As I’ve been reading up on some business stuff, I came across a podcast titled, “You can’t just pray about it!” implying that praying will not make your business succeed.

I stopped in my tracks.

Just the day before, I had literally been saying silent prayers, asking God/the Universe to please help this website thing work. I wondered, how often have I relied on prayer as a cure-all? How often has the idea of praying about something taken the place of real action? Although I swear I have never believed the name-it-and-claim-it doctrine, suddenly the line there felt really, really, thin. Let’s pray for healing. Pray for success. Pray for peace. Pray for good things to happen and bad things to end. The assumption was always a radical faith that God would act.

We say He acts through us, but what happens when we pray and pray and don’t actually do anything? Obviously, this is not some new revelation. I mean, it’s the reason why millions of people roll their eyes when you say you’re sending “thoughts and prayers.” Yeah, no thanks. Send action. Send money. Send something that will actually HELP.

The implication is that GOD DOESN’T HELP.

And, yet, we confidently believe that He does. We believe that He is the only one who will save us.

I have finally accepted, with total clarity, that no one is going to save me. At least, not like that.

And it is probably the hardest, most devastating loss I am experiencing through all of this deconstruction. I clung to the idea of a savior like a baby clings to its mama. Having a savior meant that I was special, someone loved me, someone was always watching out for my well-being, someone was ensuring that things were working out for my good. Anything bad that happened was negated by having a savior – don’t worry, there is a plan, even the “Greatest Rescue Plan the world has ever known.” Having a savior meant not investing in this world that much. It meant not having to take responsibility for things that were happening here. It meant not having to work hard for achievement or to get out of debt or to become a better person. My savior would always take care of me.

I feel so naive and stupid that I couldn’t see all of this before. I am ashamed when I think of how many people have to come to this recognition so much earlier in life because of circumstances they cannot control. They don’t have the luxury of waiting for someone to rescue them when their children are being shot, their babies starving to death, their electricity being turned off, their debit card being declined, their family abandoning them, their friends judging them to the point of being ostracized from community… The fact that I got to 41 years old before having these epiphanies embarrasses me. I was so blinded by my faith, that I could not see.

But, that said, I still feel orphaned.

I really wanted the magic to be real. I wanted to pray and have mountains move. I wanted to pray and be changed into a better, shinier, skinnier, calmer, happier, wealthier, more acceptable version of myself. I didn’t want to do the hard work.

Last summer, I had an experience that felt like God. I believed with 100% certainty that I was being led by the Holy Spirit. I walked into a forest at dusk, with no cell reception, no one knowing where I was, looking for a dream. When I got back to my car, it wouldn’t go into reverse, so I could not back out of the parking space I was in. (We later discovered my transmission was shot). I laughed out loud. I sat beside the stream and opened my Bible and praised God. I believed that everything that was happening to me was being orchestrated by a Heavenly Conductor. It was intoxicating, to feel that my every move was a divinely guided step. After thumbing a ride to a hotel and having a poor night of sleep, my husband came to get me. He was so angry. He was furious and tearful and could hardly look at me. How could I have been so careless? How could I have put myself in such a stupid situation? How could I have been so inconsiderate of him and the kids? I was shocked. Suddenly, my life didn’t feel so magical. Real life came crashing in hard and I honestly began to wonder if this would lead to divorce. I mean, I could see how someone would think I was crazy. I was so ashamed and this is actually the first time I’ve spoken publicly about this experience. It still makes me cry.

The overwhelming emotion of all of this, after shame, is disappointment. I had a dream that we would finally get out of debt, just like that. That God would swoop in and save the day! That this moment would bring my husband to an immediate realization that God is alive and real! and that he would instantly become a christian. I mean, I was all-consumed by this fantasy, and it is painfully embarrassing to admit it.

I wanted God to save me. And he didn’t.

But He did.

When you stop believing in magic, you realize you can make your own. When I stopped believing that God would take away our debt, I started dreaming up other ways to pay off my student loans. When I stopped believing that God would save me from bad guys, I felt free to see people as kind and honest. It also prevented me from seeing the strength of the spirit inside of myself. There is a strange liberty that comes with letting go of the idea of a savior. Like dropping the shield blocking your vision, so you can once again see the whole world before you, and recognizing that you never needed the shield at all because you are stronger than you knew.

I am grieving this loss of my savior belief and trying to not feel guilty for feeling this way. After 30 years of singing and praising and claiming to love my savior, it feels awfully heretical to now say there’s no one who is saving me. And I don’t claim to have any answers. I know all the Bible verses and I have no response for those. What does it mean when it says Jesus was the savior of the world? I have no idea. Does it mean I don’t believe in the real Jesus? I don’t know. What about people whose prayers are answered? I’m happy for them!? Haven’t I seen God’s hand working in my own life? Yes, and it’s amazing and miraculous and I totally don’t understand it. But, what do you believe about Jesus if you don’t believe he’s a savior? Hmm… that’s a good question. I’ll let you know when I find out. Do you even LOVE Jesus anymore?? Yes. I think so. I want to. That’s my hope. To love him without limits.

I just know that, for me, this idea of God/Jesus swooping in like the ultimate superhero and saving the day just isn’t serving my faith anymore. And when you look at the news, it seems pretty clear that it’s not helping things in the world either. I saw a tweet tonight by James Danaher that read “America is what happens when Jesus becomes a savior with nothing to say.” What good is a Savior when his followers have rendered him impotent and irrelevant?

As with many of my posts these days, I’m not sure what I’m trying to convey. I just feel sad, and a little embarrassed for being so late to the party. But there is an interesting and compelling joy, too, in permitting myself to fully embrace THIS life knowing that I cannot escape it. I’m able to be more present with my kids and myself. I’m feeling the excitement of dreaming again, in a good way, like I haven’t done in a really long time. It’s like when your foot falls asleep and then starts getting feeling in it again. OOOh it’s painful! but you sense the heat and tingling sensation of blood flowing back into your veins and it reminds you that your heart is still beating, you’re not dead. Human existence is painful, but, we are still here, trying our best to live alive.

*** Also, I fully reserve the right to alter my opinion on this savior thing at any time in the future 🙂